Hey Jealousy

First some good news in case you're not a Facebook pal 'o mine. I have been feeling much better this week, especially now that I'm more than a week removed from my return to chemo. My energy has returned, breathing is almost normal, and anyone wanting to make an accurate drawing of me can now use something other than "Ghost White" from the Crayola box to color me in.

All of this led me to don the gear this morning and to go for a...walk. It was 1.29 miles at an 18:01 pace. Sure, that's a far cry from the good ole days, when an 8:00 mile was a warm up and races were run at a mid 6:00 pace. No, not in high school. Actual data from the 2000's backs up my story.

Yes, I have the logs of every run I've done in the last 15 years, maybe more. Why? Because that's what Runners do. Joggers don't, and that's OK. Runners bought fancy watches to track distance and pace long before every phone sold had the ability to do the same via any number of apps. We keep up with how many miles we've run on each pair of shoes because we know that our favorite model is only good for x miles (300 in the case of the Asics Gel Kayano  line I've been wearing since about 1998.) We don't just go for a run - we have a plan: long, slow distance today, short run tomorrow, intervals at the track next Tuesday. We try to run something called negative splits, which are as painful as they sound, but for different reasons. We quietly sneak back into our houses after a 90 minute workout so as not to awaken our sleeping brood. We fly across the country so we can spend 24 hours running 200 miles down mountains and up hills as a part of a relay team.

As I've touched on many times before, I am a Runner.

At least I was. Today, as I walked back from Lakeside High, it hit me. A runner I didn't recognize was moving at a very decent clip down the hill on Briarcliff Road. I'd guess it was a 7:00 to 7:15 pace. As he passed, I began to wonder, "will I ever run like that again?" Perhaps, but it's far more likely that when I do get back to running, it won't look much like that at all. Running the Boston Marathon? It's hard to imagine I could qualify for the world's greatest race, let alone endure what would likely end up being a 6 hour torture test. Years ago, my friend PCF offered me a sponsor's exemption - maybe I should've taken her up on it.

So, yes, I'm a bit envious of dude-in-the-white-shirt, extending his stride in an attempt to let the hill do the work for him. Quick aside - as my pal B-Mock taught me in Oregon years ago, quick turnover, not a long stride, is the key to downhill running. White shirt - he's a runner. I hope he realizes that it's a gift to be able to push yourself to generate that runner's high.

Now before you start shaking your head and thinking I'm depressed by all of this, I assure you, I'm not. I'm resetting expectations so that I can have the joy of meeting or beating them one day. Maybe a 30 minute 5k in 2014 is an attainable goal. Maybe it will just be a 2 mile run without stopping. Who knows? My definition of "Runner" needs to evolve, to exclude pace and distance, and to focus instead on effort, accomplishment, camaraderie, and all the other intangibles on which we runners depend.