Inside a Cancer Club Member's Desk

This is kinda sad. Here's the bottom drawer of my desk at work. Let's have a look clockwise from the top right.

Arm & Hammer Baking Soda - For use as a mouthwash to prevent sores from developing after chemo. Also can be used to clean teeth or deodorize carpet. Finally, can anyone explain the connection between this product and Mr. Armond Hammer, the longtime chairman of Occidental Petroleum? Chicken and egg?

Citrucel - Fiber laxative, which you'd think from my prior writings I wouldn't need. But, sometimes we all need a little help getting regular, or at least I did when I was heavily into the pain meds (see below).

Udderly sMOOth - Aforementioned lotion for use on cow's teets and udders as well as cancer patient's hands and feet. This one smells like cocoa butter, so every day at the office is like a day at the beach!

Cliff Bars and Cliff Builder Bars - This part's not so sad actually. When I'm exercising, I use these bars as high-protein mid-morning snacks. More protein = more mass = good.

5 Hour Energy Drink - Believe the commercials folks. I hate coffee, and I know my other source of caffeine, Coca Cola, is a high-fructose corn syrup cocktail that creates a breeding ground for bad things to happen in my body. So I tried these little booster shots for fighting off the midday droopiness that seems to have gotten worse post cancer, or maybe just post-45. They work. Thank you Sam's Club for stocking them in the convenient 32 pack!

Preparation H Wipes and Nupricanal Lotion, cleverly hidden in a semi-transparent Walgreen's bag - Chemo-induced diarrhea is bad enough on its own. Now add 8 or 10 daily trips to the john with 100 grit industrial strength toilet paper. The result is the kind of thing you don't discuss in mixed company. Let's just say these magical wipes followed by the application of this instantly-effective numbing cream allowed me to maintain a somewhat normal posture and schedule at work during those less-than-amusing times. Employees must wash hands before returning to work.

Ibuprofen and Naproxen - Largely ineffective pain killers I was downing in large quantities before a proper diagnosis was made. At home I also have varying strengths of morphine-based pain killers so if anyone needs a little something to help them get through their day, don't hesitate to ask.

Towel - For laying on atop the yoga mat I used to have here when I couldn't sit at my desk for very long (see ineffective pain killers, above). I stole it from Emory. Sue me.

One day I'll go back to using this drawer for its intended purpose, hiding incriminating dossiers of my coworkers.

Watch your back, Brad Pitt

Carol from my support group passed away last week. At her funeral, her son told the story of a conversation they had about her last wishes. Her body was to be cremated, she said. "What do you want us to do with the ashes, mom?" he asked.

"Throw them on Brad Pitt," she replied.

I hope Carol meets my Aunt Isabel in heaven. They would really get along!

Live From the Chemo Room #11

Dr. Z has an answer to my hand foot problem, or at least something we can try. Instead of going 14 days on, 7 days off with my oral drug, we're going to try 7 days on 7 days off. He said dosing schedules aren't pure science. The studies are done to figure out maximum tolerable dose, but the actual schedule ends up being something clinicians like him figure out in the field. The idea is that you get the same amount of medicine over a given 3 week period, but that it has less chance to cause side effects if you spread it out a bit. Let's hope so!

Otherwise, this is an uneventful infusion day, which is how we like it!

For those interested, I approved the final print version of the book last night, meaning it should be available on Amazon within a few days. Search there using my name or "Welcome to the Cancer Club."

Udderly Ridiculous

Ever hear of Hand-Foot Syndrome? It's a fun little side effect from the oral chemo drug I'm on. The drug leaks into the capillaries of said appendages, and then when you apply pressure or friction, say using hand tools or running, you develop sores. Nasty ones. It feels like blistering sunburn on the affected area.

Running 8.5 miles on Sunday was apparently not a good way to relieve the symptoms of Hand-Foot Syndrome, aka palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia for those who park in the Doctors-only spots at the hospital. The recommended treatments include use of heavy-duty moisturizers, the kind they use on cows' udders. Literally. Allow me to quote from the directions on Bag Balm, which is available at your local Wallgreen's and possibly The County Line Feed Store:


For pets, apply liberally to the affected area. For use on cows, thoroughly wash the treated teats and udder with separate towels before each milking. To avoid contamination after each milking, bathe the udder with plenty of hot water, strip milk out and dry skin. 


Nowhere does it say anything about applying to human skin, but I did so anyway. 


Eat mor chikin...

A quick book update

The book, with its new title, is now available on both Amazon (in Kindle format) and iTunes/iBookstore (for Ipad, iPhone, and iPod Touch). You should see it in the other main eBook stores over the next week or so. eBooks are $3.99.
The physical book will be $9.95 and will be available on Amazon in a couple weeks, assuming the proof copy I'm expecting this week looks good. I'm planning to order a batch of them, so if you're in Atlanta and want one, give me a heads up and I'll gladly include you in my order.
My biggest request is that anyone who reads the book in whatever format, posts their review on Amazon. You can review there no matter where you purchased the book, as Bettie Blair recently did before jaunting off for a much deserved Caribbean vacation.
Thanks to all of you for your support for my writing, not to mention all the encouraging words about the whole cancer thing. You inspired me!

A quick update - look how close I am to cracking the top 50,000 on Amazon! Couple more sales and J.K. Rowling will be looking over her shoulder at me!

No punchline today

It seems that Carol from my support group has taken a turn for the worse. According to an e-mail I read this morning, she is at home with hospice. You know by now that I tend to be upbeat about this whole cancer thing, even joking about the experience here and in the book.  But when you read an e-mail like the one I got today, it's hard to come up with punchlines, even when the subject of the e-mail shares my sarcastic wit and would've given my Aunt Sylvia a run for her money in the "I don't give a shit what anybody else thinks of me" department. She tells it like it is, and she makes me laugh.

Those of you who pray, please add her to your prayers. Healing thoughts senders, please send them her way.

Whenever G-d is ready for her, I hope he knows what he's in for...