Thursday, August 25, 2011

Inside a Cancer Club Member's Desk

This is kinda sad. Here's the bottom drawer of my desk at work. Let's have a look clockwise from the top right.


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Arm & Hammer Baking Soda - For use as a mouthwash to prevent sores from developing after chemo. Also can be used to clean teeth or deodorize carpet. Finally, can anyone explain the connection between this product and Mr. Armond Hammer, the longtime chairman of Occidental Petroleum? Chicken and egg?

Citrucel - Fiber laxative, which you'd think from my prior writings I wouldn't need. But, sometimes we all need a little help getting regular, or at least I did when I was heavily into the pain meds (see below).

Udderly sMOOth - Aforementioned lotion for use on cow's teets and udders as well as cancer patient's hands and feet. This one smells like cocoa butter, so every day at the office is like a day at the beach!

Cliff Bars and Cliff Builder Bars - This part's not so sad actually. When I'm exercising, I use these bars as high-protein mid-morning snacks. More protein = more mass = good.

5 Hour Energy Drink - Believe the commercials folks. I hate coffee, and I know my other source of caffeine, Coca Cola, is a high-fructose corn syrup cocktail that creates a breeding ground for bad things to happen in my body. So I tried these little booster shots for fighting off the midday droopiness that seems to have gotten worse post cancer, or maybe just post-45. They work. Thank you Sam's Club for stocking them in the convenient 32 pack!

Preparation H Wipes and Nupricanal Lotion, cleverly hidden in a semi-transparent Walgreen's bag - Chemo-induced diarrhea is bad enough on its own. Now add 8 or 10 daily trips to the john with 100 grit industrial strength toilet paper. The result is the kind of thing you don't discuss in mixed company. Let's just say these magical wipes followed by the application of this instantly-effective numbing cream allowed me to maintain a somewhat normal posture and schedule at work during those less-than-amusing times. Employees must wash hands before returning to work.

Ibuprofen and Naproxen - Largely ineffective pain killers I was downing in large quantities before a proper diagnosis was made. At home I also have varying strengths of morphine-based pain killers so if anyone needs a little something to help them get through their day, don't hesitate to ask.

Towel - For laying on atop the yoga mat I used to have here when I couldn't sit at my desk for very long (see ineffective pain killers, above). I stole it from Emory. Sue me.

One day I'll go back to using this drawer for its intended purpose, hiding incriminating dossiers of my coworkers.

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